Nostalgia

Nostalgia attempts to rip apart these brick walls I have laid in front of my heart
stacking layer upon layer to achieve a thicker skin
like a storm surge, coming in powerful only to retreat back to the ocean of regret and heartache
trying to convince me that your waiting arms will be on the other side of this wall
that this destruction is actually a reconstruction of what I once so believe in

you still pulse through my veins
and even though I am in denial there is a part of me that knows I still love you
and this tug-a-war, this push and pull on my heart
will only amount to deflation,
there is no recreation of love

Glacier Melt

those words you wrote
more than a year ago
I read
and re-read
lying in bed
with rivers streaming
down my face
like a glacier melt
in spring

how?
when I promised
to become desert
where love is only ever
blowing on the wind
fragile, yet momentary
and passing

to become desert where you
are nowhere
to be found

and yet, now
still you are everywhere
and in all these
memories
photographs
letters
I am drowned

Bloom

You weren’t just any flower
in the garden
of Eve’s tending
of Adam’s protection

You were wild, yet tame
pushing the boundaries
causing everyone around you
to question
to wonder
your beauty outshone the stars
your innocence, purer than snowflakes
you fell into this world and we all followed you
loved you
adored you

And now release you
for you fought so hard
to bloom, even between your small crack in the sidewalk
and the people
the people did not just walk by,
they were amazed,
they were in awe
of your strength

And your flower, the brightest of them all
made even the sun gasp
for such resilience is rare
in something so delicate
but you taught us to laugh
to love
to hold on
but not too tight,
because every moment is a step closer
to goodbye

And the tears we cried
in your absence
the tears were for your flower
for may it never wilt
may it never fade
for in you leaving this world
you left all of us
with a tiny piece of your strength

And we will hold that piece,
but not too tight
in our hearts
you’ll find that joy,
that laughter
that love

It’s all still there,
will always be there
for you.

these raindrops, heavy

Rain drops fall with the weight of unavoidable destruction
pressing down,
on easily imprinted skin
tattoos of ruin
reminders of collapse
like a last breath frozen in the winter’s air
still
standing
blue prints of everything they’ve known,
ever will know

it is here, they crash
smash against your concrete composure
the earth sighs in answer to relief of it’s thirst
clouds dance in the winds of refusal
this storm of denial

my whole body screams no
makes it’s own rain that falls with the weight of us
from eyes that can’t recognize you anymore
concrete man of minimal emotion
these imprints on my skin of your fingerprints
lead me to believe in our union
but there is no love here
not in this place of ruin

these rain drops
heavy with unavoidable destruction
pressing down,
reminders of collapse

still
standing

Midnight lullaby

Most times it is forgotten
and not forgiven
tugging at tiny heart strings
daring to unravel everything right here,
right now, before our bodies
silhouetted in a dark diner
with shiny spoons and too many juke boxes
desperately sticking out their hands for quarters
as if they need the music to drowned in
just as badly as I do
you rise before me
change in your hand,
but not the kind of change to fix this
to fix me
to fix anything
instead you look to the juke box
feed her your last fifty cents
and watch me drowned

Only ever always

I am scared I will never love
another human
the way I did him,

and worse yet,
that I will never allow myself to
simply for fear of letting them down
of breaking their heart, as I did his

simply because now it feels
it feels as though there is only him,

that there will only ever always be him.

Victim

Echoes of silence
bounce against rib cages of bone
brittle, and battered
purple stains on delicate skin
have not faded
even after all this time
and his voice
like a gunshot in the night
hits you dead on
breaks you down
but is drowned
in all this silence

Hold On

The times he wasn’t there to hold your hand
so you held it in instead
let the emotion barry itself within the tight spaces
between organs, and sharp intakes of breath
with which you felt exhaling brought no release
filling to your capacity, well aware that only combustion would result from all this piling
but still you were silent
smiling with every spilt tear drop
laughing through the pain of listening to bedtime stories, where he’d tell you
“this time I promise it will be different, I will change”
however, these words were more potent then fairy tales
you were not growing up dreaming of castles and princes
you were hanging off the words of a drunk man
spilling tears on your comforter, staining the night with regrets
and no matter the shame you felt, you would never allow yourself to forget
learning that forgiveness isn’t here to be given out constantly
consequences are waiting to quench the thirst of his delinquency
and he would find you, deep inside of his eyes
and the parts of him with holes
knowing deep down that he was failing you
yet, you stood by
stone being eroded with every beer bottle to crack against your exterior
taking with it, a little more of your solid stance
and still you stand, against odds in favour of your demise
still you stand
little girl deep inside of myself
waiting for his hand