Hold On

The times he wasn’t there to hold your hand
so you held it in instead
let the emotion barry itself within the tight spaces
between organs, and sharp intakes of breath
with which you felt exhaling brought no release
filling to your capacity, well aware that only combustion would result from all this piling
but still you were silent
smiling with every spilt tear drop
laughing through the pain of listening to bedtime stories, where he’d tell you
“this time I promise it will be different, I will change”
however, these words were more potent then fairy tales
you were not growing up dreaming of castles and princes
you were hanging off the words of a drunk man
spilling tears on your comforter, staining the night with regrets
and no matter the shame you felt, you would never allow yourself to forget
learning that forgiveness isn’t here to be given out constantly
consequences are waiting to quench the thirst of his delinquency
and he would find you, deep inside of his eyes
and the parts of him with holes
knowing deep down that he was failing you
yet, you stood by
stone being eroded with every beer bottle to crack against your exterior
taking with it, a little more of your solid stance
and still you stand, against odds in favour of your demise
still you stand
little girl deep inside of myself
waiting for his hand


Wave upon wave
only to fall

at the foot of a shore,
so lonely looking in the moonlight
hiding stranger’s secrets in the dark spaces whispers lie down for afternoon naps
empty carnival grounds of hearts that have taken one too many rides on the carousel of lost lovers
desolate boardwalks, standing alone beneath the stars

and the tangled fishing line, embracing driftwood as if this hug shall be it’s last
reminds me of my own reckless abandon when it comes to
the things my heart beats into my veins
the things I cannot ignore

and yet, turning a blind eye
like the lost pebble, who is certain he does not want to be sand, but all these waves
keep eroding him away
and the star fish who fears the dry land, will never get close enough to see the beauty of what lies beyond the surface

I am pretending with the best of them
never learned how to swim among rocky waters
unstable surfaces and masks that suffocate trap all of this oxygen inside of me
surely, there must be escape

sweet sunlight dances, sparkling in the sea’s eyes
keeping perfect time with the melodies lost to people who are no longer listening
and I wished you could be here, to see this
to see me

raptured, in the beauty of all things broken and lost
and forgotten


I do not know where I begin
today I looked into the mirror
wearing an expression that screamed:
“pick something up – and make a connection!”
this echoed down the empty halls
and my feet followed
worn and tired and yawning
fatigue thick on my tongue
in my chest
I am scared I am a figment of my own imagination,
surely the sun will swallow me whole
and yet my arms did not reach for some inanimate object
they begged me from something more dense
and alive

they were asking for you.

Fire Side

Waking to darkness
confusion of found light
illuminated from the backs of your eyelids
the tips of your finger tips
secrets spread through lungs blackened from inhaling
all these smokey lies
and it’s hard to see here
hard to find the truth in these forest fires
that erupt from every heartbeat
burning sensations of breaking this cage of ribs
taking more than you were ever willing to give
it’s so hard to see here
where we draw infamous lines I’m trying not to trip on
or choke on
or fall down on
but I feel it’s inevitable with time

Lay Down With Me

Here I lie,

inhaling all of our memories at once
resulting in merciless onslaughts of head rushes
that come and go, like the ocean tide
each one ripping more of you from me
until I’m left here, naked
tattered and exhausted I am waiting for your arms

to reach out for me, shaking like junkies that litter these streets
just waiting for a fix
trying to shake off the disease
grains of sand are burning my eyes
as I try to see through the tears
are you still here, my love?
stranded on the island of mistakes, where wasted opportunity
washes ashore only to be picked off the beach
by criminals serving their community service hours

is this where we are now?
am I just as pathetic as the paper coffee cups
discarded to lie empty
on desolate pieces of pavement
on forgotten winter beaches
where only regret sticks around for meaningless small talk

I have filled my lungs with all of us
breathed in everything
even the left behind moments
and the awkward silence
allowed the words that went unsaid to hug me
as I lay here, tucked into my double bed
singularly, alone

sometimes I think I hear you breathing
right beside me
are you here, my love?
but disappointment cradles my head in her
long, lanky arms
whispers “it is only the wind”


Tearing at the fragile strings holding everything steady
fingerprints on irises
what was it you said as last night stomped out your cigarette
silhouetted, a lost boy with lover’s spit plastering your eyelashes closed
in a back alley of loneliness
where despair was found digging through the dumpster for something worth holding on to
was it the look on your face, of innocence and life and broken pieces
all mashed up together in the sea of your eyes
where I once let myself be free
let trust lead me to the forest of your secrets and your soul blinded
my abiding eyes, aiding the recovery of your heart
like it was an ancient artifact, gentle
with brushes and soft cloths to wipe away the dust
while the smoke bellowed from my lungs
my heart aflame by your fires that you let leak from your lips
and these fragile stings are blowing the wind
precociously holding everything in balance


Winter’s breath left us
searching for sunlight’s sweet escape
listening for one another’s heartbeat
blossoms compete for first bloom

and I
have lost you

look to new flowers
streams and flowing rivers to unthaw
tomorrow keeps me hopeful
that these strangers will stop pretending
to be you
and even more so
that I will stop believing them

Spinning Circles

The thing about circles is
they’re always repeating
endless repetition of lines drawn
with steady, or rapid hands
each fine or messy stroke a reminder
of what we leave behind
have left behind
while we simultaneously move forward
retracing, redrawing over times past
and with all this spinning, round and round
minds meld and puzzles lose pieces we once deemed essential
and here I lie, dizzy and sick with spinning circles
losing my mind, ironically unable to release the memories I have to let go


You pass another milestone
without realizing the confines
time has held you under
tangled in your promises
of dreams edging toward reality
where are we now
when the clock stops ticking
did it even make a difference,
our presence
or was it just a pre tense to how our
last moments were spent
under the clock
constant reminder that time is passing
and you right along with it

Faceless Life

She cries rivers before submitting
to night’s empty call
fear never letting her close her eyes

it never used to be so hard
when she trusted herself
before you broke her
took this fragile flower, crushed it beneath the weight of your solid body
breaking not her heart, but her belief in being worth breathing
stealing everything
rough marks on pale skin
your hands branded through bruises
deep beneath the surface
pain you could not imagine

do not touch her
do not look at her

she will always be a faceless life
you’ll never forget

and you, the first steps towards
inevitable demise.